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BDSM - learn what it is and how to start

Updated: Feb 14

The acronym BDSM combines the main types of play in one term.


- B & D Bondage and Discipline (bondage and discipline)

- D & S Dominance and Submission (Dominance and submission)

- S & M Sadism and Masochism (Sadism and Masochism)


No matter what you want to try out for, there is always the power imbalance between the Top / Dom, the leader, and the Bottom/Sub, the submissive.


Find out what each play is and how you and your partner can get started!


Black woman laying on a bed practicing BDSM, Black woman having a BDSM feather and whip, picture used in an anrticle about what BDSM is and how to start with BDSM

 


 

Bondage


Bondage is a nice, hot, yet relatively soft start to the world of BDSM.

However, the power relationship is still clearly defined. The Dom, as the one who ties up, exercises full control within the rules, which you must agree upon among yourselves beforehand.


Bondage is one of the softer types of BDSM. Therefore it is ideal also as foreplay. If you also know something about the art of tying up ropes, the Shibari, you can tie up your partner creatively and sensually.


But also sexy handcuffs and spreader bars increase sexual arousal. Bondage in itself brings both partners closer and initiates the transfer of control into the hands of the leader.


Take good care that with both handcuffs and ropes, at least a thumb's width of space fits between the skin and the restraint. It is better to be a little looser than too tight.


Then let yourself be guided or lead your partner slowly, sensually and sexily towards orgasm.


Disciplining


Through rules and rituals, the Sub's behavior is adjusted to the Dom's wishes. Thus, this is not about exercising physical control, but about docility, submissiveness and exercising dominance.


So agree on a period of time and/or a day when the leader can instruct the sub (with everything that makes you hot).

For example, the Dom can instruct the Sub not to masturbate for a certain time before the meeting or to wear something especially hot for the meeting. With such rules, the excitment is increased massively.


Any violations can then be "punished", for example with a blindfold or slaps on the butt.



Dominance and submission


How about a role play?


She's the strict teacher and he's the naughty schoolboy. Or the businessman who asks his sexy secretary to come to the office for extra tasks after work.


Let your imagination run wild, there are no limits. Talk openly about your fantasies but only practice fantasies that are okay for both of you.


Take your time and start slowly. It takes a lot of openness and tolerance to not only talk about your individual fantasies as a couple - but then still act them out.


Sadistic & Masochistic short Sadomaso


Do you feel pleasure by light pain or by distributing pain?


This you can easily find out.


Put each other tenderly on the knee and distribute carefully blows e.g. with a flogger on the butt of your sex partner. You will quickly find out whether your partner is sadistic or masochistic. Some people love both roles. This is called a switcher.


Again: Before you start with the "SM" of BDSM, talk about it! It is important that both want to get involved in the adventure!


 


 

How to get started with BDSM


What is the best way to prepare?


You need an intensive and open conversation, ideally by candlelight and with a glass of wine, in which you define your do's and don'ts. Be open and unashamed. Be happy to discover your own preferences and taboos.


The most important thing is mutual trust!


You can strengthen this on the one hand by talking openly, and on the other hand by agreeing on a safeword, for example.

The safeword can be something simple, like a color, an object or a word that you both particularly like. If this is said during BDSM sex, it signals the immediate termination of the BDSM game. The power imbalance must then be removed immediately and you must then discuss at eye level and with calmness why the safeword was pronounced - you must pay attention to this.


The safeword is the only control the button has over the dom. Of course, it works the other way around as well.


And how do you start into your first BDSM adventure?


There are countless possibilities.


My recommendation: Start it differently than usual!


The Top's job is to prepare the material and choose the location. Do you usually have sex in bed? Then choose the kitchen, the living room or even as a special feature a room in the hotel.


Lay out all the toys & accessories next to the play area. Nice and visible and ready to hand. Prepare separately from each other. This facilitates the attunement to the "roles" and increases the excitement.


Then, especially the first time, start slowly and carefully with the fantasy that you have chosen for yourself.


Sexy woman wearing a BDSM collar explaining what BDSM is and how you get started with BDSM as a couple

Believe me, already after a few minutes you will be fully inside and have forgotten everything else around.


But it is really important that before you venture into harder games, you should definitely test practices in a gentle way. Then you can enjoy your consistently positive experience afterwards.


Rules must be respected


As discussed earlier, but so important that I want to emphasize it again here:

Discuss any game practices beforehand, agree to them clearly, and agree on a safeword that interrupts the game. Never overstep boundaries and only go as far as you have agreed to beforehand.


Bondage games are ideal for most beginners: For starters, soft (synthetic) leather restraints that don't cut and can be removed easily are suitable.


If you use ropes, be sure to have a suitable pair of scissors nearby. Make sure that you only tie your partner as tightly as he wants and feels comfortable.


Now that you've had some experience and your first great bondage sex experiences, it's time to discover what the many exciting BDSM sets have to offer.


The next step: pampering or punishment with sexy spanking.


You will quickly notice that a gentle to strong pain will further raise the bondage to a new level.


Then you are ready to start with spanking for example.


Woman with a sexy BDSM whip or flogger used in an article explaining how to get started with BDSM

Again, start slowly, gently and carefully and then feel your way to your limits and new body parts. Start with the buttocks and only later dare to spank sensitive areas like breasts, feet, hands or the face. First test the effect of light pats with your hands before you get a paddle or a whip.


Each whip and flogger has a different effect.


For example, a shag whip can be used gently to strongly and is suitable for beginners and professionals.


Likewise, it can be used to caress and tickle the body.


After that, you are welcome to try a wider paddle and harder practices. But also here applies: Mutual check-ins, no border crossings and open communication are the be-all and end-all!


Go to the limit and discover hot accessories


If you don't dare, you don't win: If your limits are clear and you've got used to it, there are no longer any limits to your imagination.


Test exciting role-playing games or include sex toys and accessories in your BDSM games.


Different BDSM sex toy ranging from a BDSM whip to plugs to blindfolds and ropes, BDSM sex toy set

 


 

Explore and stimulate your body with feathers or blindfold your eyes with a mask. Concentrate on all your senses, discover new sensations, and embark on a journey of discovery together.


There are many sets that you can use to test different techniques and games.


Definitely my favorite: tying yourself or your partner to the bed and guiding yourself or him close to orgasm, then pausing and starting again.


Believe me: when the orgasm comes resp. approved by the cathedral, you will explode!


You can also playfully approach the BDSM topic and discover your limits step by step. There are various great BDSM sex games for that.


My BDSM favorite: This is how orgasm control, called Edging, works


Edging is a technique in which the vagina, clitoris, vulva or penis is stimulated until just before orgasm. You can practice edging yourself with toys, but orgasm control is even more fun with a partner.


I personally love the feeling of edging, especially in combination with light bondage, incredibly. Lightly tied up, just before orgasm and then the interruption, where it is incredibly sexy to be "treated" with toys like whips or clamps just before orgasm.


Ideal to get close to orgasm are of course normal sex or oral sex, but it's also super great to experience with a vibrator, like the Womanizer DUO or the clit-sucking vibrator from Tracy's Dog.


For bringing your man close to climax, either Oral Sex or a masturbator like the Orctan is ideal - indulge him with the toy and drive it along his penis until he almost climaxes.


At the same time, you can tease him with hot kisses or touches.


Where you can learn more about BDSM and how to get started

Cover of the best BDSM Guide Vanilla to Kinky, Vanilla to Kinky is the best book to learn about how to start with BDSM

Especially the BDSM entry needs some courage, both from each individual and as a couple.


In BDSM there is also a huge number of games, which we have not presented here.


If you want to get more information and learn more about BDSM practices: get a book about BDSM!


The best to start is definitely Vanilla to Kinky: The Beginner's Guide to BDSM.


More selection of the best BDSM books you can find here.



Conclusion


BDSM offers a variety of ways to add excitement and adventure to your sex life and long-held fantasies.


As always, I believe anything goes as long as it's fun and enjoyable for all sex partners involved.


So be brave and dare to enter the world of BDSM - you won't regret it!


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