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Masturbation - is it OK even if you're in a relationship?

Updated: Jun 3

Emotions often run high when masturbation becomes a couple issue.

We spoke to various couples counselors and - of course - studied the literature to find out how best to deal with it.

And of course I double-checked everything with my personal experience.

What's the most important conclusion about Solo-Sex in a Realtionship?

Basically, solo sex only concerns oneself - in reality, however, it is mostly a couple issue.

But must it become an issue and a topic of tension?

Absolutely not!

You and your partner can determine whether or not it will be a positive and inspiring topic.

Thanks to the information I have gathered from experts and my experience, I would like to give you a few tips here on how to steer the subject of masturbation in a positive direction for you and your partner.

Beautiful sexy woman masturbating with a sex toy, woman having Solo Sex with a Toy



Let's start with the positive.

A beautiful solo sexuality can be a great basis and thus an enrichment for couple sexuality. Those who know themselves well and love them in the truest sense of the word can take a lot from it. Fulfilling and healthy solo sex often goes hand in hand with a certain body positivity and a healthy self-esteem - both elementary qualities for a self-confident and seductive appearance.

Should everyone actually masturbate?

We say it again and again: When it comes to sex, nobody has to do anything and there is no right and wrong.

Equally important, the more sexually active person should definitely not put pressure on the other person. In the style of: «You have to masturbate. It's good for sex." That's not what it's about!

Masturbation should always belong to the individual. And if she doesn't want to live it out, then that's her right.

Are there any other positive effects?

Certainly a bit banal, but for me it is absolutely true that masturbation is an important relief and an outlet for pent-up energy.

So I don't necessarily have to transfer my needs to my partner. This takes a lot of stress away from us and creates the relaxation that is needed to have exciting and great sex on a regular basis.

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Does Masturbation replace Partner Sex?

Masturbation is not the same. So it definitely doesn't replace the hot hours together in the bedroom. But it is a great playground to get to know yourself and your needs and also to try something new. For yourself, protected from shame and a bad conscience.

Can masturbation become a hot topic?

I already had - and the experts have also confirmed this to me - that it can become a hot topic within a relationship.

In my case, there was a feeling of insecurity and "I'm not enough".

The understanding that a woman has special needs and possibly other needs definitely requires a certain amount of self-confidence from the partner.

So could we solve it?

Fortunately yes! With a lot of communication and explanation, but also by openly including him in the topic!

So he understood that for me solo sex and sex with him are two different things. It may sound special, but that's how it is. And it has nothing to do with attractiveness or desire to have sex with him. It's just my time, my body, my needs.

Do solo sex and couple sex have a place next to each other?

In any case! Every couple should have a sense of separateness and commonality. That's not just the case with sex. Both areas are allowed to be alive. A yes to couple sex does not mean a no to solo sex.



But what if the desire to have sex with your partner decreases over time?

One thing always helps: curiosity and communication.

If one can openly address what would appeal to one of the partners in the relationship, a lot has already been gained.

And there are many ideas for all tastes: try a tantric massage, role play or read a sexy story or a dirty poem together, and, and, and...

From my point of view, this is one of the most important things and also the mission of Filthybooks: Everything is allowed in sexuality, as long as everyone involved is enjoying it!

That also means: have the courage to talk about it and try something new!

What role do toys play in masturbation?

There is a lot to discover and for me they are a very important part of the routine. Especially when things have to be done quickly or an orgasm is to be guaranteed.

And nowadays there is such a great, large selection of sex toys that are so much fun alone or together that it would almost be a shame not to try it at least once...

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With which Toy is best to start?

Typical vibrators and especially the more "modern" clit sucking vibrators are a good choice.

They are easy and intuitive to use and have an almost built-in orgasm guarantee, whether you're having fun alone or as a couple.

And here's a special tip: we love the book Oh Joy Sex Toy!

It's a nicely done, comic style book where you'll find an incredible amount of great and exciting tips for fun with toys for him and her.

Another tip for getting inspired: read these Erotic Sex Toy Stories!

Tips for more pleasure in masturbation

It's worth taking a little more time and being creative every now and then.

Routines have their strengths, but they can be tedious and, at worst, limiting.

I personally love the variety: Sometimes by candlelight in the bathtub or in bed, in peace and with plenty of time. Quickly in between when the pressure is just great. Sometimes with toys, sometimes inspired by porn. Often set in the right mood by a super erotic book or a quick sex story.

And what does the literature say

We read again and again that solo sex is an important part of one's sexuality at any age. And this applies espcially for a healthy female sexuality.

In the end, it always comes down to the same conclusion: You get to know yourself and your needs better.

It gives you the opportunity to discover yourself and your beauty. It helps you to better express your needs to your partner. All of these are important aspects in order to be able to "control" sex with your partner in such a way that it is as fulfilling as possible for both of you.

Trust me: If you know yourself well, you have all you need to shape your sex life positively.

And we all know: a fulfilling sex life is one of the important components of a good and trusting partnership.




For practically everyone, masturbation is the first sexuality they experience. Often even without consciously perceiving it or evaluating it as such. And it's definitely a form of sexuality that has nothing to be ashamed of. Whether you are in a relationship or not!

You are not alone - enjoy the freedom

As you can see, we who love romance and sexy things in all its forms are far from alone!

At Filthybooks, we follow the mission driven by Amanda: We love erotica in all its forms and are always here for you so that you always have the right reading at the right time!

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